Hello friends,
I’m in the shit right now. I’m deep down in the pit of despair, that abandoned well filled with depression and anxiety. It’s dark down here, empty but for the piles of laundry and dirty dishes. The hopelessness and apathy go hand in hand. At least someone is holding hands.
The last time I wrote to you, I told you I would fill you in on my new dog. Her name is Jade. She’s some kind of terrier/pit mix and is absolutely adorable.
See! So cute! She’s about nine months old, so she’s a bit of a gremlin, as most puppies are. In fact, my dad and I were getting pretty fed up with her seeming inability to be trained. She’d jump on tables and bite us and completely ignore us whenever we tried to correct her. Well, we learned yesterday that she’s deaf. So the whole ignoring us thing makes a lot more sense. Our irritability turned to hope as we began training her more with hand signals than vocal commands.
That hope disappeared quickly, though, as today we learned the reason she pees so frequently and in so many places. She has a kidney disorder. She likely has mere months to live. Our vet suggested we euthanize her, and I fell further into the chasm.
So many people these days romanticize mental illness. “Neurodivergent” has become a badge of honor. That’s such bullshit. Do you know what I would give to be “normal”? I’d trade my depression, anxiety, and OCD for an average, boring brain any day. If I were able, I’d climb out of this hole, fill it with cement, bury it beneath a mountain of earth, walk away, and never look back. I’m okay with living an unremarkable life as long as that life brings me joy.
So let’s recap. A couple of months ago, my antidepressants stopped working, sending me into a seemingly endless downward spiral. My beloved dog of thirteen years, Mattie, died suddenly. My new dog, Jade, will likely become terminally ill in the next few months. And to top it all off, my recent MRI shows new lesions in my brain, meaning my MS has progressed. Also, I found a dead field mouse in my pool. Quite simply, I’m a fucking mess.
It’s not all bad news, though. I finally made an appointment with a new mental health clinic. I might have to go through a few therapists and medications before finding the right combo, but I’ve done it before. I can do it again. I’ll also finish my cannabis tolerance break in three days. Weed isn’t a cure-all, and it’s not a placeholder for actual mental health treatments, but it does help. Also, a mental health startup reached out to me for a collaboration. I’m gathering more info, but there’s something in it for you all too! More on that later, though.
Life can be a struggle. These past two years, in particular, have been difficult for everyone. But life is, at its core, a series of moments. Some moments are good. Some are bad. But everything is constantly changing. I’m trying to focus more on the immediate present rather than carrying the depression into every moment. Right now, I’m smoking a cigar and listening to the Dune soundtrack. And when I’m done writing this, I’ll put on the hockey game and cheer on my Lightning as they attempt to crush our south Florida rivals. At this very moment, life is good.
Until next time,
Yardena