Hello friends,
Life is odd. Every time you think you've got things figured out, they change. Then again, I'm on my period right now. I'm hormonal, emotional, and all over the place, so take my ramblings with a grain of salt.
Speaking of periods, though, the other day, I saw a photo of a woman wearing underwear that said, "Anything you can do, I can do bleeding." Part of me thinks it's a nice sentiment, but it's not exactly accurate, for me, at least. I can't do shit when I'm on period. Literally—I get constipated. I've pooped twice in the past week. I also get so hormonal that I never know what will set me off. Stub my toe? Crying. Can't find my keys? Sobbing. Friends want to hang out? Exhausted? I might as well drink some saltwater to replenish everything I'm losing through my tear ducts. My body hurts. I'm irrational. I go from anger to laughter at the drop of a hat. There's no way I could wear that excellent underwear with a clean conscience.
On the other hand, I keep going. Even when my period makes me want to curl up in a ball and die, I keep going. I do the dishes, go grocery shopping, and fold my laundry. I swallow two or three Ibuprofen and carry on.
I read an article today that posited that resilience is less about our inner strength and more about the resources that are available during our most challenging moments. I'm lucky enough to have a wealth of resources. I have friends and family who support me. I have an excellent neurologist who guides me through all the bullshit that comes with MS. I come from a people that has been stepped on and beaten down for thousands of years, and the stories of how we survived are in my DNA. I have a menstrual cup that makes my period ten times easier to deal with.
I feel like I'm always telling you about how great things are or how low I've fallen in this newsletter. Only by writing this newsletter has it become clear to me that the ups and downs are less extreme and more regular than my mind would have me believe. I don't know if I'll ever find true stability. I think I have one (or three) too many medical conditions for that. But I'm getting used to where I am and what my life looks like.
I recently misread the words "when is now" as "where is now," and I like it better my way. It reminds me that I used to want so badly to be a little bit older or in a different city because I thought those changes would improve my life. But I wished so hard to be somewhere else that I missed all the good happening around me. My therapist pointed out that this is common with mental health patients as it allows us not to take responsibility for our lives. It's easier to think we'll be better off somewhere else than it is to be present in our actual lives. I'm trying to be better about that, though. I'm always trying to do better.
Where is now for you? Wherever it is, I hope you're making the most of it.
Shabat shalom,
Yardena