Hello friends,
Sorry for the late newsletter this week. I accidentally scheduled it for 8 p.m. instead of 8 a.m. Oops. These things happen sometimes. Anywho, on to the newsletter!
This week has been good, like, really good. For the first time in a long time, I feel like the hulking creature that is depression, anxiety, fear, and worthlessness has lifted its foot off my chest. Fatigue no longer informs every decision I make. I’m not sure if that’s because of medical marijuana or because I no longer have to wake up at seven every morning. Maybe it’s due to my decision to go back to writing professionally or my new daily meditation habit. It’s probably a combination of all those things. But when I wake up now, I feel motivated. I’m excited to work on my stories, poetry, and this newsletter. I’m hopeful that my life is headed in the right direction.
I used to be a shut-in. I was too tired, anxious, or apathetic to go out and do things. But I went out twice this week alone. For some of you, that may sound like a silly thing to be excited about. For me, though, it’s a huge milestone. I can’t remember the last time I went out two weeks in a row, let alone two days in one week. My dad jokingly asked me what was wrong with me. That’s how out of the ordinary this is for me.
I feel like I did when I first started on antidepressants. I’m awake. Part of my brain is telling me not to get too ahead of myself. Every time I feel good, something brings me back down. But most of my brain is telling me to be present. Even if this feeling doesn’t last, I won’t ruin it however long it does by self-sabotaging.
I’m finding that momentum and routine have been constructive. Bringing order to my day has made each one easier to get through. And I’m not just scraping by either. I’m getting shit done. I’m crossing things off my to-do list. I’m channeling creativity that I lost the ability to reach. The seasons are changing, and fall is coming, but I feel like I’m spring incarnate right now. I am violet flowers blooming for a second time before the cold comes.
Everything moves in cycles. I’m currently in an expansion, but eventually, another contraction will come. I’m learning to give in to those cycles instead of fighting them, relaxing against the rip current until it’s easier to swim back to shore. I’ll deal with whatever comes next when it shows up. For now, though, I’m just enjoying life.
See you next week,
Yardena