Professionally Unwell
Applying for disability income and hating myself for it
Hello friends,
I spoke to a lawyer this week about applying for disability. My MS symptoms are difficult to measure objectively, so I knew I would get denied without help. The lawyer confirmed this but also believed he could win my case, so he agreed to take me on as a client. When we got off the phone, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I cried.
Conflicting emotions are common with chronic illness, but it was still strange to feel so hopeful and depressed at the same time. Because of MS, I cannot work. Right now, my dad is supporting me monetarily, a fact for which I am both grateful and ashamed. I don’t know where I’d be without him, and it feels unfair to place that burden on him. Even though he always tells me I’m not a burden, it’s sometimes difficult to believe. And one of my biggest anxieties is how I’ll survive when I don’t have him to lean on. Getting disability would lift that weight off my shoulders both now and in the future.
On the other hand, the fact that I’m in this situation at all is a gut punch. In America, so much of our self-worth is tied to how productive we are and how hard we work. I couldn’t even manage part-time secretarial work once I got sick. Even now, composing this letter is a struggle. I’m already a day late, so I feel obligated to write. But getting through each sentence feels like swimming through molasses. I want to give you something beautiful, but I’m just so tired. Poetry will have to wait for a better day.
I’m constantly trying to retrain my brain to believe I’m not a worthless lump of flesh, but it’s hard. What little energy I have, I devote to things like dishes and laundry, and afterward, I don’t have much left. It took me several hours to make my bed yesterday because I had to keep taking breaks. I don’t go out much; merely driving somewhere close makes me feel exhausted. My lack of romantic prospects could be its own letter. We just passed Valentine’s Day, and I know I’m not the only one feeling a little hopeless on that front. But who wants to date someone who’s sick?
I wasn’t planning to be so sad today, but it’s been raining for two days, and all I could manage for lunch was a protein drink. Sometimes life is shit. The good news is that the shit doesn’t last. I just wish I could skip to that part.
Until next time, when things will be better,
Yardena
WEEKEND POTPOURRI:
Currently on repeat:
I forgot this until I saw this tweet. Now I need to write a poem.
This is the biggest fucking strawberry I’ve ever seen in my life
A poem:
It all sounds so hard but you should be proud you are advocating for yourself. MS is strange too cuz it presents so differently in so many people. One of my friends with MS basically went cross eyed for a while last year, sonetginh he believes happened cuz his stress had increased. But that’s its own shitty feedback loop - chronic illnesses cause stress and stress exacerbates the symptoms of the illness. All to say, thinking of you ❤️