Hello friends,
Let me tell you, it was a rough one. I've just been feeling disheartened and a bit hopeless with the state of my health. When I was diagnosed a year ago, I had no idea that MS would be so difficult to deal with. I usually put on a brave face and make self-deprecating jokes because that's how I cope, but sometimes I get overwhelmed.
On Wednesday, I talked to my dad about how medical marijuana isn't doing much for me, and about halfway through the conversation, I just broke down. I found myself sobbing, wiping snot away on the back of my hand, and questioning why this had to happen to me. I finally managed to get my depression mostly under control a couple of years ago. I felt good. And then I got MS. I've barely had time to live my life without constantly feeling like it's falling apart at the seams.
I'm at a point where I constantly feel like a failure. I can't get to work very often right now because it's difficult to drag my barely conscious body out of bed at 7 a.m. When I do manage to get to work, I'm wiped out by the time I get home at noon. When I started writing on Medium, I hoped to write at least two stories a week, but getting just one done has been a struggle. I didn't even manage to do that this week. Sometimes the dishes pile up because I'm too tired to stand at the sink long enough to clean them. My Jewish guilt comes out hard whenever I talk to my dad about this because he's supporting me right now. The fact that he tells me he'd do anything for me and that he thinks it's a privilege to take care of me only makes me feel worse.
Finding the best way to manage this disease is a process, but some days I feel like I've stalled out and I'll never really be able to function like a normal human being again. I've often said that "one day at a time" is my new mantra, but when every day feels like the one before, I have a hard time keeping my head up.
I don't have a positive message this week, but I think that's ok. Life isn't always positive. But I will ask that when you're done reading this newsletter, call the people you love and let them know you're here for them. Sometimes knowing that you have a support system can make the difference between giving up and choosing to continue.
I hope you all had a great week, a fantastic week. But if you didn't, know that I feel your pain. You're not in this alone.
See you next week,
Yardena