Hello friends,
How's the new year treating you so far? I hope it's been good. I'm hopeful for what's to come, and I'm trying to make that feeling last as long as possible. I feel optimistic at the start of most years, but hope soon fades as the jadedness of everyday life creeps in again. My goal is not to let "new year, new me" become "same shit, different day." Well, not until March, at least. Baby steps.
My friend Maribeth Helen puts out the most beautiful newsletter every Wednesday, and in this week's email, she asked a few questions about accountability and pleasure. One of those questions, in particular, stuck out to me.
What does it feel like to imagine shifting your resistance into curiosity?
I love this question. I tend to avoid things when my MS fatigue is particularly noticeable. I tell myself I'm avoiding my work (particularly my writing) because I'm exhausted, but often, I think I avoid writing because I'm afraid of failure. I don't want to publish something that people will hate—or worse—be indifferent toward. But why should I care what people think of my writing? I do my best work when I'm creating for myself. Lately, I've been trying to focus less on what I think people want to read and more on what I want to write. I think it works out better for everyone in the end.
Our most remarkable scientific discoveries and advancements were born of great curiosity. And while I know I'm not going to discover time travel or anything like that, I believe I can make my small corner of the universe a little better by following my curiosity. I could sit and bemoan my fatigue, or I could close my eyes and create a new world. My day is not wasted by imagining what could be.
As I get used to this new body I'm living in, I'm becoming more comfortable with slow progress. On days when my exhaustion takes over, I think and plan. I work in my head. Then, when I'm having a good day, I've already imagined what I need to do, and my work goes by quickly.
Nowadays, we're all so focused on instant gratification that anything less seems like a failure. But rather than give up, we can turn our resistance into curiosity. We can wonder what we might create with a little more time.
My challenge to you this week is to lean into your curiosity. What would you do if you had no limitations? What worlds would you dream up? I'd love to hear about them.
Until next week,
Shabbat shalom