Trying to turn despair into hope
Hello friends,
Wow, it's been a while. I haven't sent a newsletter since the end of May. I've been struggling lately, and I had no desire to hash out the same problems every week. I got tired of writing about how things are tough now, but they're going to get better. I didn't believe it anymore.
I don't know if things will get better, at least not for me. There are times, of course, where I feel optimistic. But those moments never last. My brain keeps playing a neverending game of ping-pong between "I'm going to make beautiful things out of my pain" and "I can't function while smothered under heaps of trauma." I can't seem to find the middle-ground. I spend so much energy fighting despair that I don't have anything left to turn that despair into hope.
Even now, writing this feels self-aggrandizing. It's disjointed and depressing, and I feel like I'm only writing because I have to. Why should anyone care what I have to say?
I hope these newsletters are more positive in the future. I hope I come up with some thoughts that are worth sharing. For now, though, I'll keep tackling one day at a time.
Shabbat shalom,
Yardena